Social Anxiety
How to handle on the spot conflict
A personal story (made out of two situations) that made me come to this realization
Let’s talk about conflict, but more specifically how to handle on-the-spot conflict.
I have a feeling that that is something that you also try to avoid as much as possible.
Conflict and social anxiety do not go hand in hand by any means.
Socially anxious people might prefer to leave, ghost, and do anything to avoid a confrontation. But it is possible to engage in conflict and still feel at peace with yourself.
It’s not easy. It’s a process. It’s a journey. It takes effort. But there are some things that you can do. And trust me, my whole life, I did everything to avoid conflict.
I’ve avoided uncomfortable conversations because I didn’t want to upset anybody. I used to be okay with being upset and disappointed at others, but I wasn’t okay with others being disappointed or upset with me.
How dare I speak my truth and share my opinions?
For many years, I’ve allowed other people’s truths and opinions to rule over mine, even when those were damaging to the general well-being of society.
And it comes down to learning how to speak at the right moment in time.
While yes, it’s uncomfortable, conflict does create the change that we all seek.
I hated conflict so much that I tended to apologize even when I knew I was right, just so that it would go away.
But I’m here to tell you that the conflict does not go away. It continues deep within us.
We replay the discussion over and over and over in our heads with logical and reasonable comebacks. We always know what to say after the fact.
After we’ve calmed down, but it’s too late because by that time we already hate ourselves for not having the courage to say anything at the right time.
“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”
Because of course, conflict doesn’t magically disappear. We become the outlet.
While this article is about dealing with conflict, it’s not about conflict with the people in your life. It’s about on-the-spot conflict that arises out of nowhere and makes your blood boil instantly.
When you know you should say something but don’t because you’re too scared it will lead to you being punched by a stranger. But the alternative of holding it in isn’t much healthier.
I want to walk you through how to handle on-the-spot conflict.
So, you do walk away at peace with yourself.
5 Quick Ways To Manage Your Social Anxiety
There’s no substitute for effort, but you can speed up the process if you understand and take these 5 ways seriously. This is your starter pack; what you do with it is up to you.
Now, if you Google how to handle conflict, there are many articles, and they’re excellent ones. And they all revolve around one core component.
Whatever you do, do not bottle up your thoughts and emotions. Let the other person know, or else you will implode.
And that’s something that can be very hard for most of us, especially if you have social anxiety. So this advice never really worked for me, because I always chose to bottle things up and take the hit.
While those articles contain a lot of good advice, don’t take everything at face value. You need to assess your temperament and personality and see where it fits.
But while I was going through the articles, I realized that none of them address on-the-spot conflicts, where you only have a few seconds to address the other person. Otherwise, the opportunity will be lost forever.
And it’s not about making a good impression, especially if someone does something malicious or unjust.
But it’s about saying what you want and going home without feeling like you bottled things up.
Nothing worse for me than to walk away from someone and feel like I wasn’t true to myself. All because I wanted them to like me or not have a bad impression of me. Ugh. Yuck.
Here are three immediate things you can do to give your brain space to think and react accordingly.
I said accordingly because the first business order ensures your anger isn’t displayed. You do not want to be emotional or come off as angry.
People shut down at people who come at them.
So, let’s say you’re being reproached or reprimanded for doing something you think is within your rights, or that doesn’t disturb someone else’s peace.
- Maybe you freeze and don’t know what to do. You hope that they’ll stop talking, everything will be resolved, and you can just go home.
- Or maybe you go offensive, yell at them, and dismiss what they have to say.
- Or maybe you have empathy for what they are saying, and you can see why they’re pissed.
So, while all of these are perfectly natural responses to someone reprimanding you, I want you to try your best to suppress them and instead:
1. Smile
Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, but think about it for a second. You’re probably feeling anger, resentment, shame, embarrassment, and mostly negative emotions.
You need to push those to the back of your mind. It’s hard to be rational when you’re experiencing those emotions.
So smiling will center you, help you stop the onslaught of emotions, and trip the other person up because they’re probably expecting a very different reaction from you.
What do you do after you put up that smile to deflect the situation at hand?
2. Repeat what they said
Sometimes, we need time to assess a situation and decide how to respond. So, try to buy some time.
You want to avoid spitting out what’s on your mind since that’s when you usually regret it the most. Refrain from responding out of line.
What helps is to repeat back what the person said as much as you can, as a statement.
Some people will realize how unreasonable they are. Once you say it back, I can almost guarantee they’ll have more to say, keep going, and give you more information.
And this gives you even more time to think about how to respond.
Okay, so now, at this point, you’ve collected yourself and are in a much more stable state of mind.
Before you proceed with giving this person a piece of your mind:
3. Ask yourself the following questions
- Did I do something wrong?
If yes, explain your thought process to the person without any emotional outbursts. Let them know what led to you doing something or saying something that made them react. If your answer is “no,” and you know you didn’t do anything wrong, go to the next question:
- Why does this person feel this way?
You’re a great observer and very self-aware, so you can easily put yourself in someone else’s shoes. You can immediately figure out why this person was ticked off. Do what you can with that information. Let them know you understand their perspective.
Once you pinpoint what they’re pissed about, address it in the way you would with a five-year-old. When my son has a full-blown tantrum and is coming for me, I immediately deflect by stating his feelings and why.
By defining emotion and labeling it, the person will feel immediately understood.
Usually, people back off when they feel understood, so the best course of action is to ensure they feel heard.
- How can I resolve this so I walk away unconflicted inside?
This is the trickiest question to answer, but now you should feel calmer. And this is a part where you either choose to continue with whatever it is that you were doing that pissed the other person off.
Either you stand your ground, or you decide to apologize and stop.
I often feel better when I apologize, but other times, it makes me sick if I do because I might have violated my principles.
5 Quick Ways To Manage Your Social Anxiety
There’s no substitute for effort, but you can speed up the process if you understand and take these 5 ways seriously. This is your starter pack; what you do with it is up to you.
I want to use an incident in the news to illustrate how this works in the real world.
A man was birdwatching in Central Park when he noticed a woman was walking her dog off-leash, which was against park rules.
So this man confronted her. He walked up to her and asked her to put the leash on the dog. Now imagine that you’re the woman, and someone is reprimanding you for not following the rules.
Let’s say you freeze and smile at the man to avoid escalating the situation.
The next thing you do is repeat what he said. You could say something like this: Hi, you want me to put a leash on my dog here in the park, right?
The man will probably say that it’s against the park rules to have a dog off-leash, and he wouldn’t feel comfortable if everyone was walking their dog this way.
Now, at this point, you ask the questions:
Did I do something wrong? Kind of, yes. Even though you think your dog is well-behaved and there’s no one around, rules are rules.
Why does this person feel this way? You think that maybe he’s been attacked by a dog that was off-leash before, or his dog was attacked, which is why he’s uncomfortable with dogs being off-leash.
You can label their feelings and say something like this: I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable. He’s an adorable dog, and he stays by my side. I know it’s against park rules, but there’s no one here and he loves running around.
How do I resolve this? You can do two things: put the leash back on and apologize (maybe take it off again later), or stay off-leash (stand your ground).
So those are kind of like the two alternatives.
Whatever you do, you have to ask yourself how important it is for you to “win.”
Is one of your principles threatened? Will you regret not saying anything? Only you know that. This is a minor violation of park rules, but some situations could get you incensed and make your blood boil.
It will be harder to remain calm, smile, and repeat what they’re saying, but following this formula will ground you and keep you calm in a situation.
Which is a better alternative than to walk away with that anger, take it home, and then take it out on your family?
That’s not to say you should take it out on a stranger by any means, but if you have the tools to resolve it on the spot, then I recommend you do that.
The more you practice these steps, the easier it is to respond appropriately.
I tend to find these conflicts much harder to stomach than those with people I know. I can give myself time to think, cool down, and get back to someone I know. I can marinate my words for days before sharing them.
With on-the-spot conflict, we don’t have that luxury.
You don’t have the luxury to marinate your words, to put things together eloquently. The words have to find a way out on time, or else they will sit with you, and that is what you want to avoid at all costs.
Hopefully, you’ll not encounter too many of these situations, but try these steps out the next time and let me know how you feel.
If you run into a conflict like this at some point this week and you have a hard time doing some of these steps, which is understandable, don’t hold your anger in. Go home and write your thoughts out.
Please put them on paper. Don’t bottle your emotions. Do whatever it takes to shake it off and get them out of your body.
If you’re out and about, and someone reprimands you, there are a few things you can do to stay calm during this on-the-spot conflict that arises.
The 3 steps are:
- Smile
- Repeat back what they said
- Ask yourself the following questions:
- Did I do something wrong?
- Why does this person feel this way?
- How can I resolve this so I walk away unconflicted?
Practice this formula so that you don’t take home your anger because you were too scared or worried to say something.
I'm Roxana
I went from being scared to ask a question out loud to hosting summits online. I love coffee, french crepes, and working from home. My mission? Help others build their social confidence to make friends, have conversations, and be comfortable around people!
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